I'm a person who almost always requires an external toy for clit stim during sex with my partner. I’ve always been this way- a younger Alexa in high school faking orgasms to make myself seem more desirable and sexually empowered would have scoffed at the idea of asking my partner if I could incorporate a vibe so we could cum together- and yet, here I am today! Proudly and loudly announcing that my clit needs some lovin’, and my Booster Bullet is the perfect accompaniment to a dick down.
And trust me, I’m not the only one. Dr. Jess O’Reilly notes that 70%-80% of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and simple penetration makes it hard to do that- so why is using a toy so frowned upon?
I’ve heard it called every name in the book. That using a toy is cheating (somehow??), that my partner is clearly not a good lover if their dick can’t bring me to orgasm on its own, that I’m somehow not with the right person if I need a toy… The list goes on.
If 70%-80% of us need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, how on earth is aiding that cheating?! Well- it’s a stew of misogyny is what it is, and one that will take a long time to break down. I hope to explore why people with vaginas often feel the need to fake orgasms on a later day, but its an epidemic that I certainly experienced when I was younger. It took nearly a year of being with my current partner that I finally grew the confidence to ask if I could incorporate my vibrator during our play sessions.
I was admittedly terrified that he’d be offended or hurt but to my surprise, he welcomed the idea and nearly four years later, my vibrators are seen as an incredible enhancement to our sessions, and no critique on our love life in the slightest. I think back to past partners and know that they would’ve for certain questioned my decision to incorporate a toy- and know that this kind of reaction isn’t that of a helpful or supportive partner. No one experiences sexual pleasure in the same way, and any toy that will enhance, spice up, or completely change your play sessions should be welcomed with open arms.
If it takes a vibrator to bring you to orgasm, do it without shame. A butt plug? Extra lube? Nipple stimulation? Do whatever you need to do- your pleasure is your pleasure. Now get out there and find an external toy that’s gonna turn your sessions up to 11!